Why Your Team Isn’t Getting Kevin Durant

Kevin Durant no

I like to have fun with ridiculous Kevin Durant free agent scenarios, but it’s not actually going to happen. Durant is going to re-sign with Oklahoma City, whether for a year to sync his contract with Russell Westbrook’s and Serge Ibaka’s, or for the full max because it’s actually where he wants to be. But just to be clear, your team is not getting Kevin Durant. And here’s why:

Philadelphia 76ers: How they’ve played since getting Ish Smith is the selling point here. Let that sink in. He doesn’t even have a full name. He has half of a name. Ish? That’s a suffix you attach to a word when you’re not sure of something. You’re Ishmael or you’re nothing.

Toronto Raptors: In all likelihood they won’t have the cap space. And even if they did it’d be with weird Canadian money and nobody wants that.

Boston Celtics: Right, like Kevin Durant is going to leave Russell Westbrook to play with a fun-sized All Star and 1,100 late first-round picks who can’t crack a rotation. Let’s just skip the foreplay and make their centers wear “Brooklyn pick” on the back of their jerseys.

Brooklyn Nets: The Nets don’t even HAVE Brooklyn picks. That’s so goddamn sad. THEY ARE THE BROOKLYN TEAM!

Melo durant

New York Knicks: They just fired his old friend and teammate. What’s Phil gonna do next, shoot his dog in the middle of the pitch meeting? I’m all for tough love but this is a former MVP. Damn it Phil just fire him next year.

Miami Heat: We’ve been over this. Talk to me when Dwyane Wade is gone.

Atlanta Hawks: They’d have to renounce Al Horford’s cap hold, which will never happen, and convince Durant that his best option is spending the next five years watching Kyle Korver try his darndest to play defense.

Charlotte Hornets: It’s freaking Charlotte.

Orlando Magic: The Magic are quietly turning into the Tennessee Titans of the NFL. They’re fairly depressing in the grand scheme of things, but not on that abominable Nets level that actually gets people to talk about them.

Wall Durant

Washington Wizards: Going home is so overrated. You don’t get to play games in your childhood bedroom. You just get to hear everyone complain about how you’ve changed and aren’t giving them enough tickets and need to invest in their new Asian fusion car wash. And EVERYBODY is doing it. Durant is no copycat.

Indiana Pacers: They’d love to have Durant but unfortunately have to save their one transaction for the year on re-signing Ian Mahinmi.

Chicago Bulls: I’m not entirely convinced Fred Hoiberg can spell “Durant.” The Bulls might miss the playoffs. This team is such a mess. It’s just Jimmy Butler and 90 bigs nobody wants. Pau Gasol fought in the Franco-Prussian War and he’s their second best player. I know that Gasols don’t age, but seriously? It’s 2016! How is he anyone’s second best player? And people treat the Bulls like contenders!

Milwaukee Bucks: Hey, the Bucks are cool now! They have a bunch of guys with long arms and they win 40% of their games. I’ve never been to Wisconsin, and if there’s a God I’ll never have to. I’d play for Guantanamo Bay before I’d move to Milwaukee.

Detroit Pistons: Speaking of places I hope I’ll never set foot in!

Cleveland Cavaliers: The Cavs are paying the GDP of Sweden for their roster. Even if they could get Durant, which they can’t because the salary cap is a thing, it would cost them so much in luxury tax bills that Dan Gilbert would have to outsource the entire shooting guard position to some sweatshop in Turkmenistan.

Tim Duncann

San Antonio Spurs: Because the universe is a cruel and unforgiving place and we can’t have nice things.

Dallas Mavericks: The Mavericks never sign anyone, but you’d better bet your bottom dollar that they’re gonna try! Why are free agents even taking these Dallas pitches every summer? Do they need a quick stop to charge their phones after Houston or something? DeAndre Jordan signed there and he didn’t even sign there. I’m all for the Mavericks being good, but apparently NBA players aren’t.

Memphis Grizzlies: Everyone is old except for Conley who’s leaving.

Houston Rockets: If the logic here is that he should play with James Harden because they used to be teammates, why wouldn’t he just re-sign with OKC where literally everyone on the team is already his teammate? Russ is better than him anyway.

New Orleans Pelicans: Signing Durant takes away your flexibility to trade lottery picks for injured point guards and build your offense around Tyreke Evans and lord knows the Pelicans are never gonna stop doing that.

Denver Nuggets: Ah, yes, it’s so obvious, how could I not see that Durant has been waiting his whole career to play with Will Barton and Jusuf Nurkic?

Portland Trailblazers: Weird draft grudge! Pretty much the entire front office, roster, local government and coaching staff that didn’t take Durant is somewhere else right now but damn it, that uniform didn’t take Durant first in the 2007 draft so they’re off limits forever.

Utah Jazz: Are the Jazz even allowed to sign free agents? Is that something that has happened before?

Andrew Wiggins

Minnesota Timberwolves: Who would Durant even hang out with? Is anyone on that team even old enough to drink? Also Nikola Pekovic might eat him.

Phoenix Suns: They have to save their cap space, they’re still waiting to hear from LaMarcus Aldridge.

Los Angeles Lakers: Yea, hitch your wagon to the team that thought signing Louis Williams and Nick Young made them playoff contenders. Seems legit.

Los Angeles Clippers: It’d be too much fun. These things NEVER happen. Blake for Durant would light the internet on fire. Teams don’t have the stones for moves like that. The Clippers will bring in like Gerald Henderson and swear that “THIS IS OUR YEAR!” That’s how basketball works.

Golden State Warriors: Are you insane? They’re the best team ever! You can’t be better than the Warriors are right now. All it does is mess with a good thing. Just keep this team together and win the next five championships. Don’t screw this up.


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