Has anyone ever ranked the NBA logos according to edibility? No? Cool, I’m planting my flag.
30. Golden State Warriors: I can’t eat the Golden Gate bridge. I’m sorry. I know you came into these rankings believing in me, but it’s just not humanly possible. If Godzilla learns to speak English maybe we can ask him how it tastes but until then, not possible.
29. Cleveland Cavaliers: Honestly I think I could probably teach myself to eat the sword. It’s a parlor trick people do. Street performers have been doing it for years. But I think the flag clinches this. I could conceivably learn to eat a sword. But no respectable sword eating academy would teach a unit on flags. When would that ever come up? Frankly it would be irresponsible of them to do so.
28. Miami Heat: Would lighting a basketball on fire make it taste better or worse? And do I have to eat it WHILE it’s on fire? Or can I let it cook and then die down. I’m assuming that I have to eat the fire and I really don’t want to eat fire.
27. Phoenix Suns: Yet another flaming basketball, but they get the nod because Miami’s ball comes with a hoop. If my life depended on it I could eat a flaming basketball, but I don’t think I could stomach the hoop afterwards. Also, the colors are just more appealing. Is it like a grape basketball?
26. San Antonio Spurs: It’d be like eating a jagged metal Krusty-O, only significantly bigger, and it would take much more than a $500 settlement to get me to eat one of these.
25. Denver Nuggets: Why do two pickaxes come after both spurs and swords? Because I’d be such a badass if I ate two pickaxes. This whole experience is going to be miserable either way. I’d rather get a great story out of it if possible.
24. Charlotte Hornets: I would just never be comfortable eating a hornet. How would I know for sure that it was dead? Bugs are just sneaky like that. It would wake up in my stomach and sting me from the inside, which I guess would turn me into some sort of hornet-based superhero, and I’m just not ready for that kind of responsibility.
23. Sacramento Kings: The Kings top the metal object portion of these rankings because I imagine that any scenario in which I eat a crown likely began with me eating a king. Don’t you become the king if you eat the king? That’s the rule, right?
22. Brooklyn Nets: If you’re going to make me eat a basketball at least throw in some sauces or something. How bland does that logo look? Can I bring some ketchup or something?
21. Philadelphia 76ers: This is only a mild improvement. There are technically colors here, so kudos on that front. But this isn’t exactly appetizing. It’s just so forced. It’s like eating a magazine from the waiting room of a dentist’s office.
20. Indiana Pacers: Ok, now we’re getting somewhere. At least the Pacers have some color. It’s like the blue is some sort of dipping sauce for the ball. Why aren’t there any blue sauces? It’s a primary color. Something to consider.
19. New York Knicks: I guess this is some kind of soup? Time for a confession: I have literally never eaten soup in my life. I’m anti-soup.
18. Detroit Pistons: Are basketballs high in calories? Am I going to need to diet after eating all of these basketballs?
17. Washington Wizards: It’s another basketball, and I guess it tops this little run of basketballs, but I’m disappointed it’s not more colorful. Wizards are supposed to be magical. Speaking of which…
16. Orlando Magic: THIS is how you make a delicious magical basketball. The color is so inviting, the little sparks really show off the magic. They would serve this at Hogwarts.
15. Utah Jazz: I went on a vacation when I was eight or nine years old, and on that vacation there was a piece of cake with musical notes colored into it. I have no idea why. It didn’t add to the taste. It wasn’t particularly decorative. It was just confusing. I haven’t seen music cake anywhere since. That’s my only reference for this logo.
14. Houston Rockets: Another soup, but a much drippier one. Why does the Rockets’ logo look like blood leaking from the walls of a horror movie?
13. Los Angeles Lakers: I’ll level with you. I thought the Magic were the last ball logo, I skipped the Lakers, and now I don’t want to go back and reorder them. It looks pretty good. Deal with it.
12. Portland Trailblazers: It looks like a black and white cookie, but red instead of black. I can live with that.
11. Chicago Bulls: I love a good steak as much as the next guy, but I have to be fair here. The logo includes horns. Therefore, I have to eat the horns. There’s a reason steakhouses don’t give you the horns.
10. Toronto Raptors: There HAS to be some hipster restaurant in Brooklyn that claims to have dinosaur meat. It’d be easy enough to fool stupid people, just tell them you cloned them or something. Just give them chicken. Everything tastes like chicken. Then dye it purple and you’re all set.
9. Milwaukee Bucks: There’s something more appealing about eating antlers than horns. I think it’s the regality. Like eating the antlers turns me into some sort of woodsman. Actually, scratch that, I could really see this becoming a foodie trend some day. “Oh you like venison? You HAVE to get it with the antlers, there’s just nothing like it.”
8. Atlanta Hawks: Am I getting the whole hawk or just the head? Because the logo is just the head, but I doubt the organization’s intention was to portray itself as the disembodied head of a hawk. This is me splitting the difference.
7. Oklahoma City Thunder: This looks like a GO-GURT. Your mom packed this logo in your lunch when you were a kid. You probably traded it for Martin’s sandwich cookies.
6. Dallas Mavericks: I could see myself eating a horse in a pinch. It probably tastes better than you’d think. I mean, it’s meat? How bad could it be.
5. Minnesota Timberwolves: My desire to not eat dogs is heavily outweighed by the fact that eating most of these logos would almost certainly kill me.
4. Boston Celtics: I’m using the shamrock as a loophole. This logo is a St. Patrick’s Day themed cookie. I don’t even know what a shamrock actually is. Frankly, if it’s just a four-leafed clover, then it’s badly named. There’s nothing rocky about that. Maybe that’s what the “sham” in shamrock is though. It wants to convince us that it’s a rock, but it’s a sham. This will require further study.
3. New Orleans Pelicans: The meat should actually be pretty good. Not excited about the beak though.
2. Memphis Grizzlies: Here’s the best meat in the group. Nice and tender.
1. Los Angeles Clippers: I really hope the Clippers picked this crappy logo because it looked like a Fourth of July pasta dish.