Every Uncalled Foul: Teen Wolf

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Every Uncalled Foul is a series in which I’ll watch a basketball movie and record every uncalled foul, citing what happened and how it specifically should have been called. Today’s feature: Teen Wolf

Foul 1: 2:24: It’s not technically a foul but it bears mentioning, the 5’4’’ Michael J. Fox is playing a teenager in this movie yet literally everyone else on the court is clearly a fully-grown adult. Look at this guy:

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That’s not a teenager. That’s your dad’s friend Mr. McLendon. Chubbs is old enough to be very unhappy in his second marriage. Cast younger actors. Until then, I’m calling this an age violation on the part of literally every player on the floor.

Foul 2: 2:31: Scott’s foot is clearly over the line when he attempts his free throw. Of more note is that fact that he jumps. This is legal, but frowned upon. And rightfully so, if you aren’t strong enough to shoot a free throw without jumping then you probably shouldn’t be starring in a basketball movie, Michael.

Foul 3: 2:33: A player on the Dragons probably charges, but Chubbs (yes, that’s his actual name, watch the movie) definitely flops.

Foul 4: 2:40: Another Dragon definitely charges, but Scott’s flop is even more egregious. He’s kissing the goddamn floor.

Foul 5: 3:00: Probably a sportsmanship technical in a high school game when the 39-year-old Dragon tells Scott that his team sucks. If a ref is in earshot that likely gets called.

Foul 6: 3:41: You don’t have to ask permission to forfeit. Just walk off of the court. This team can’t even give up right.

Foul 7: 3:58: Chubbs takes between seven and 41 steps with the ball. He never even tries to establish a pivot foot.

Foul 8: 4:11: Scott and the main Dragon fight over the ball for a solid eight seconds. Forget about calling it a jump ball (which it should be), if the ref thinks Scott has established possession this could legitimately be an eight-second violation.

Foul 9: 4:28: Scott carries on every dribble. Literally every damn dribble.

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Foul 10: 32:12: This is a foul on the producers. There are two wolves in this movie. Two. Not 200. Not 20. TWO. How the hell do you let one of them look like a monkey instead of a wolf? That’s unacceptable.

Foul 11: 47:40: Scott throws the entire pile of Cadet players off of him. This could be seen as self defense, but most refs would be so startled by a player turning into a wolf that they would call the foul to stop the game and figure the situation out.

Foul 12: 47:40: Let’s talk about wolf magic as a performance enhancing drug. There is technically no rule against wolf magic, but I have to imagine one would be created on the fly should a situation like this ever occur. It’s completely unfair to allow one player access to centuries-old wolf magic. So Scott should be able to finish this game, but that he’s able to continue playing afterwards has to be seen as performance enhancement.

Foul 13: 48:40: Scott spinning the ball on his finger after dunking is a delay of game. Well, technically turning into a werewolf is what caused the delay. In any case, Scott is responsible for a delay of game.

Foul 14: 48:55: He does it again after his steal and layup. There’s also the element of showboating here. In any case, this should be a technical foul, one more and Scott should be ejected.

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Foul 15: 54:30: Scott’s friend is selling merchandise featuring Scott’s name and likeness. As Scott is an amateur athlete, this likely violates rules set by the governing body of whatever high school league Scott plays in. This should cause a suspension or even loss of eligibility.

Foul 16: 58:40: The lead Dragon comes over to argue with Scott, interrupting both of their bowling games. This would be a delay of game if either bowling match was competitive, but really, it’s just an excuse for me to bring up this line. “I’ve dealt with your kind before Scott.” Really dude? You have way too much confidence for someone dealing with an actual werewolf. Where have you dealt with his kind before? Are you secretly Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Did I get that reference right?

Foul 17: 58:47: Scott chucks a bowling ball across the entire alley. This easily could’ve hit and killed someone, which would be manslaughter. Even if he doesn’t, there are all sorts of civil suits it could bring up. The legal definition of assault is an intentional act by one person that creates an apprehension in another of an imminent harmful or offensive contact.” Anyone in that alley could make the argument that a flying bowling bowl caused apprehension and that being in its general direction proves intent. Especially the main Dragon, whose name is apparently Mick. I always forget that.

Foul 18: 1:00:16: Chubbs is eating an apple on the court. That’s a banned foreign object, though I’d like to applaud Chubbs for trying to get healthier.

Foul 19: 1:17:32: Chubbs travels while bringing the ball up court. Why the hell is Chubbs bringing the ball up court? He’s the fattest point guard since non-contract year Baron Davis.

Foul 20: 1:17:34: Dear lord, Mick forearm spears one of the Beavers into the ground for no apparent reason. Forget about suspension. He should be arrested for that. It goes well beyond the assumed risk of the game.

chubbs

Foul 21: 1:20:07: Chubbs travels. Again. He’s also playing the high-post with his back to the basket. What position is he playing? Point center?

Foul 22: 1:20:18: Mick calling Chubbs “fat boy” in a high school game would be a sportsmanship technical.

Foul 23: 1:26:45: Why is Mick allowed to stand under the basket during Scott’s free throws? There is zero explanation given.

Final Tally: 23 Uncalled Fouls

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