Let’s say you needed to put together a team of mascots to win a basketball game to save the world. I don’t know why. Maybe something with global warming. Or aliens. Yea, let’s go with aliens. Aliens are gonna do global warming to us if our mascots can’t beat their mascots in a game of basketball. Who are your five mascots gonna be? Here’s who I’m rolling with:
Point Guard: Clutch the Bear, Houston Rockets
We need a leader to play the point for us, someone who can carry our offense and be a coach on the floor. This bear’s name is CLUTCH. You can’t just name a bear Clutch if he isn’t clutch. It’s against the animal rules. Think about it, if he weren’t a particularly clutch bear they would’ve named him Loser, right? It’s just good logic.
Shooting Guard: Sir CC, Cleveland Cavaliers
Look at this dude. We need a shooter on this team to space the floor. This guy sits on his porch and polishes his rifles all day. He’s clearly had some basic military training. By the laws of the word transitive property or something, that means he can shoot a basketball. You think that’s a stretch? Come on, look at him. He wears long socks to his depressing over-40 rec league games. You know he does. We need that veteran guile on this team.
Small Forward: Burnie, Miami Heat
What sort of unholy creature is this? It’s like God vomited on a churro and brought it to life. But man, look at that length! He’s our defensive stopper, and bringing back our old friend the word transitive property or something, his nose is a basketball, which means he’s probably a good shooter.
Power Forward: Pierre the Pelican, New Orleans Pelicans
Jeez, and I thought Burnie was scary. I watched a few YouTube videos to research Pierre and now I’m pretty sure I’m going to die in seven days. He’s our enforcer. Nobody would dare to give our guys a hard foul with Pierre on the floor. He’d swoop in out of the sky and eat them. And their souls.
Center: Stuff the Magic Dragon, Orlando Magic
Everyone uses dragons to protect their gold in fantasy stories. Well, what’s gold in a basketball game? The rim. Hence, we’re getting a dragon as our rim-protecting center. He can also use his flame breath to cook the opponents Pierre wants to eat, so that’s a plus.