Hey Kobe, Come Coach the Knicks!


Hey Kobe, got any plans for the next decade or two?

You could go on TV and probably be great it, but do you really want to waste your time fake laughing at Chuck and smelling Shaq’s farts?

You could go run the Kings, but at this rate so could the average Turkish fourth grader.

You could even just take your hundreds of millions of dollars and go enjoy life, but damn it you’re a masochist who needs to spend 18 hours per day working towards unrealistic goals.

And boy, do I have an unrealistic goal for you. Kobe Bryant, how would you like to coach the New York Knicks to a championship?

Phil Jackson says he’s only going to consider candidates that he knows. You spent half of your career playing for him. Phil Jackson wants someone who knows the triangle. You know the triangle. Phil Jackson once hired Derek Fisher to coach the Knicks. You’re also a womanizing former Laker with no coaching experience. It’s a perfect fit!

Even the roster is geared towards you, Kobe. The Knicks have your good buddy Carmelo Anthony. You wouldn’t even need to coach him, he’s just a younger version of you. Kristaps Porzingis is a young, foreign stud. You played with Pau Gasol, an old, foreign stud. They even have Sasha Vujacic! Why would anyone sign Sasha Vujacic in 2016 if they DIDN’T want you to coach their team?

There is virtually no downside. If you turn out to be a great coach, you’ll finally have something to hold over Michael Jordan’s head. The Knicks will have a real coach who will also sell some seats. Maybe New York will finally have a team it can enjoy on the basketball court.

And if you suck? No harm, no foul. Phil’s probably going to retire to go ride motorcycles on Jupiter or whatever it is he does within the next few years anyway. The new guy will just fire you and bring in a professional. There is no scenario here where the Knicks have a bad coach three years from now.

And do you think anyone would even care if you were a bad coach? Magic Johnson coached the Lakers for 16 games! He went 5-11! That’s not an NBA coaching record, that’s an average Detroit Lions season! But nobody ever mentions it. I could write a 2,000 word post about James Worthy’s underrated coaching career and nobody would realize that it never actually happened.

And the standards are so low! Our last head coach got fired for sleeping with his players’ girlfriends. That’s not even the worst sexual offense one of our coaches has committed this millennium. Do the words Anucha Browne Sanders mean anything to you? And most Knicks fans still think Isiah was a better coach for us than Larry Brown! You wouldn’t even have to win a championship, Kobe. Just go .500 and remain faithful to your wife and you immediately become the best Knicks coach in 20 years.

So come on, Kobe. You’re too good for TV and too young to play golf. Come coach the Knicks.

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