Here is a List of My Probable Reactions To the Horrible Contracts the Kings are About to Hand Out


It’s July 1st, the cap is exploding and the Kings are the Kings. You know what that means. The Kings are about to hand out some horrible contracts. I don’t know who they’re going to get, so I’m just going to make a list of my likely reactions for everyone in play, just to be safe:

  • Why did the Kings just give Luol Deng the GDP of Guam?
  • The Kings are paying Harrison Barnes almost $3 million per made three in the Finals last year.
  • The Kings didn’t see Festus Ezeli in the playoffs, the rest of the league told them the season ended in April to make them feel better?
  • A pun about Jeff Green and green being the color of money, I’ll think of one later.
  • They signed Deron Williams? 2009 Called, it wants its point guard back.
  • Allen Crabbe? Okay that’s actually a sensible signing… wait they gave him how much?
  • I’m pretty sure Mike Bibby just shed a solitary Native American-style tear when he heard that the Kings just maxed out Lance Stephenson AND Rajon Rondo.
  • Raymond Felton, July 2017: “I’ve only been fat for TWO seasons now.”
  • Let me know when Terrance Jones learns what basketball is.
  • Austin Rivers is NOT a package deal with Doc, in case that wasn’t clear.
  • Did Boban just climb down from the beanstalk Vlade planted six months ago?
  • Sacramento’s plan to woo Stephen Curry next summer backfired when they blew all of their cap space maxing out his brother.
  • Alonzo Gee whiz the Kings suck.
  • I guess in a pinch Darren Collison hiding in Anderson Varejao’s hair and popping out for surprise dunks could be the basis of an offense. Or a World of Warcraft strategy.

There’s probably more but my best guess is that the Kings outdo themselves and sign some contract so egregious I can’t properly react to it beforehand.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s