Here is a List of My Probable Reactions To the Horrible Contracts the Kings are About to Hand Out

Vlade-Divac-Net-Worth

It’s July 1st, the cap is exploding and the Kings are the Kings. You know what that means. The Kings are about to hand out some horrible contracts. I don’t know who they’re going to get, so I’m just going to make a list of my likely reactions for everyone in play, just to be safe:

  • Why did the Kings just give Luol Deng the GDP of Guam?
  • The Kings are paying Harrison Barnes almost $3 million per made three in the Finals last year.
  • The Kings didn’t see Festus Ezeli in the playoffs, the rest of the league told them the season ended in April to make them feel better?
  • A pun about Jeff Green and green being the color of money, I’ll think of one later.
  • They signed Deron Williams? 2009 Called, it wants its point guard back.
  • Allen Crabbe? Okay that’s actually a sensible signing… wait they gave him how much?
  • I’m pretty sure Mike Bibby just shed a solitary Native American-style tear when he heard that the Kings just maxed out Lance Stephenson AND Rajon Rondo.
  • Raymond Felton, July 2017: “I’ve only been fat for TWO seasons now.”
  • Let me know when Terrance Jones learns what basketball is.
  • Austin Rivers is NOT a package deal with Doc, in case that wasn’t clear.
  • Did Boban just climb down from the beanstalk Vlade planted six months ago?
  • Sacramento’s plan to woo Stephen Curry next summer backfired when they blew all of their cap space maxing out his brother.
  • Alonzo Gee whiz the Kings suck.
  • I guess in a pinch Darren Collison hiding in Anderson Varejao’s hair and popping out for surprise dunks could be the basis of an offense. Or a World of Warcraft strategy.

There’s probably more but my best guess is that the Kings outdo themselves and sign some contract so egregious I can’t properly react to it beforehand.

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